pain

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know that it would come out hte way I meant it. This hurt inside me is so real and vivid and blue like an ocean after dark. Serious and commanding and frightening, but when I try to put it in words it sound menial and trivial. I feel perhaps I could rip my heart out and stamp it on the page and it would tell the story perfectly in purple blood. I want answers..but i'm afraid I cannot grasp the question. I can't talk to Michael about it. He wouldn't understand regauardless of his good intentions. I know it is my own personal demon. and mine alone to deal with. Maybe this dumness is insisting that I work it out for myself. I carry it around like a slow dull ache unable to talk about it. Even if I could, there is no one there. I'm dropping like a stone into it. I am going to attempt to talk to a spiriual healer tomorrow and se if I can sort it all out, but I don't know if I will be able with Rowan. I know I am desperate and I feel so alone in it all

I have no idea why I am so ILL right now. Everyone is irritating me and I am so close to telling everyone to go fuck themselves and lose my number. I really only get to this point every couple of years. I don't know what's up. Another strange element is that I keep invisioning shafts of wheat. I don't know what that signifies, but everytime I meditate I see a wheat field and every time I daydream or zone out I picture shafts of wheat bending in the wind. I will look it up later.

I started going through closets today in an attempt to decide what I would want to take with me and what needs to be given away. I know it is jumping the gun a little bit, but I feel like I can't look back. Like if I forget there is a possibility it won't work I can will it into happening. I can't even think about that possibility. I just need to move one and go somewhere else. There are so many wmotional ties that I am ready to get rid of. Plus I think it would be so good for Hubby and I to leave our past behind in Georgia.

You make this easy

whatever delusions i had are gone. Thanks for making this easy for me. I thought it would be hard to leave everything I know. But really..not so much. What do I have in truth? a few friends that I see maybe once every six months. Then they have the gall to say "I wish you didn't have to go" really Alphamom was the only one who was honest and basically said yeah you should. I can say a lot, but at least I respect the hell out of her. These few friends I do see once or twice a year are not worth staying here where I am miserable. So Arizona here we come. It makes me feel so lightheaded and hopeful to think about it. It will be a shitload of work, but the prospect of starting a new life with the man I love sounds sweet to me. I hope that I am not getting ahead of myself since we don't have the official offer yet. We will see what happens but I want this.

It has been an interesting week. Photographer and Alphamom went on a trip to the shuttle launch in Florida. Yeah I'm so flipping jealous of them being at the beach. But I'm glad that they got to spend some time together without all of the influences of daily life. Sometimes marriages need that disconnect from the real world.



This week has been one of pondering. I guess the time alone allowed me to work some things out. Things that became raw wounds when revisited. I fell pretty low for awhile but seem to have come out better than before. I bought a cheezy dirty novel at the grocery store this week. It was the cliche plot about a man rescuing a tainted woman and avenging her and restoring her honor while madly and passionately helping her discover her sexual being. Yeah save it..this is going somewhere.... As I am reading I flashed back to sitting in the car with my aunt. the product of a military husband and too many nights alone. She broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably that she would never again make love passionately before her death. It made me realize what a mad woman I am. I have it. I found myself connecting to the "whore" in the book. Someone who made humiliating mistakes and was dilerabately hateful. And against all odds he still loves her...he still loves me. I'm not saying that it doesn't efect our relationship because it does.. But unbelievably he still loves me. I could not come to terms with what I had done so I shut him off. I felt like the combination of those things plus gaining weight led me to the conclusion that no one would love me or find me attractive until I "fixed" myself.

I feel so liberated. Unleashing a pent-up dam can be powerful and frightening. Everytime I think of him my head swims. All I can think of is making love to him. I kept him up until 1:30 in the morning last night and oddly enough still felt insatiable. It is almost like years of holding back is rushing out of me. I think he finds me tiring. I don't blame him. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that he feels that way about me. He has been with an ice queen all this time anyway. I'm falling back in love with my husband.....how painful and incredible it feels.

My period started this morning. Heavy and hard. The second it started I almost passed out. It hasn't hurt me this bad in a long time. My back hurts and I am so weak I can barely move. I don't know what to say. I think that I wanted a baby so that I would have purpose and hope. Not the reason to have a baby. So everything is for the best. I just feel dead. I feel so lonely, but when people speak to me I have nothing to say. I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster and I can't keep up. Where is my place... where do I fit into it all. I don't even know who i am anymore. I would normally autocorrect and reason with how I feel with all kinds of crap about new motherhood yada yada yada. But I'm not going to. I'm jealous of other people's lives and I don't know how to fix it. Nothing makes me feel better right now. Nothing brings comfort. I want to cry but I can't. I'm just here watching the world go by. I'm crying out for someone to reach me and no one can. what am I going to do....what the hell am I going to do.

It's not ok

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have been struggling with a few things. As you all know my relationship with Alpha Mom has been strained to say the least. In my last post I decided it was ok that she treated me like that because friendship is not begging for someone's time. That's true, but you know what? It's not ok. It's not ok that she constantly makes me feel second rate. I know we all have our DEAR friends and our so so friends. I am obviously one of her so so friends. That's fine, I have them too. So why do I feel so betrayed? because I have shared my most vulnerable moments with her. My entire life I have never let people get close to me. But I let her get close and shared things with her that I have never discussed with anyone. She helped me birth my only child, one of the most vulnerable moments of my life and she won't even answer the phone when I call. It's not ok and I am incredibly hurt by it. I'm not being a bitchy woman in a cat fight, I am being a friend that is hurt. I have decided to talk to her about it and then resign myself not to count on her. something I have been putting off hoping things will change. But they won't, so I am giving up on ever meaning anything to her. I'm sorry Alpha Mom, I know you don't mean to but I am done.

I spent the holiday weekend with "copper" a local sheriff and his girlfriend "Georgia". we really hit it off and I am excited to have a new friend that is on the same level as I am. She is 28 and has two kids. So we have a lot in common and enjoy eachother's company. I think god knows when we feel alone and abandoned and helps us get through it. I am grateful that it all worked out and it helped me get to face my feelings about the Alpha Mom situation.

Bubble is getting molars and I have had to be very gentle with her. I have decided not to wean her at all. We have really hard days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore, but we get through it. I still enjoy being able to comfort her, so I will let her do it her way. she just isn't ready.

In other news, I don't think I am pregnant. I took one test and it was negative, but it was WAY too early because I am too impatient. but I am supposed to start this next week, so we will see what happens. Sometimes I think yes, and sometimes I think know. But I am already feeling PMS-ish so I think most likely no. It is a little bit of a relief to be honest. I don't know if I am ready to do this all over again since I am just starting to get my life back. But either way you know is meant to be. There is a reason for everything. So now we wait.

well I've been thinking this morning. I'm too hard on Alpha Mom. Friendship is about time freely given to those you enjoy being around. She doesn't owe me a thing. Tantrum over.

I'm tired. There is so much going on right now I just can't think about anything else. Hubby still hasn't gotten a job and if you are wondering how long you can pay bills without a job, the answer is two months. Bye-bye 401k. Who needs retirement right? I just want him to get a fucking job that he can keep and we cna actually get ahead for once. It isn't his fault. I hate the IT industry. But we are just trying to live normally because if we arn't going to make it, then $20 at a restaurant isn't going to change a thing. Not to mention that it is impossable to keep a house clean with him at home. Although he did clean the whole kitchen this morning. Thanks baby. Too bad the baby mucks it up in about two seconds. Se la vie.

I don't want to do anything today. curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself...

Photographer

so photographer and I went to do the shoot for power girl today. Hubby and I dropped bubble off at her grandmother's house for the day so we could both do things on our own. Hubby mentioned that it would be better if we both went to photographer's house and talked to Alpha Mom together to make her feel more comfortable. she seemed OK. A little distant if anything. But we of course missed the chance to leave early and get a latte at starbucks. So we went straight there and got to work. I have to say that I am still high off that shoot. I had so much fun. It felt good to be useful for something. I pinned hats and laced corsets, and really got free reign with poses. They came out awesome. So Alpha Mom calls maybe three times to say things pretty much useless. Probably to make sure we weren't having sex. Seriously? Anyway, right when we were packing up she called and INSISTED that we meet her for late lunch. This is where I get pissed off so I am going to try not to rail. She was a total snot when we got there and kept making snide comments towards me. " Well that's what an ASSISTANT does" Yes dear I know. And I enjoyed it immensely. She feigned how she was glad that she didn't have to go. really? then why are you being rude to me. Here's the thing. I like being friends with photographer. Yes there is an attraction. But I don't fuck everything that I am attracted to. I get along with him better than anyone in the past several years. Suddenly I don't feel like no one gets me or is on the level with me. And he likes me for who I am annoying parts included. And he showd me that I am still attractive beyond the typical view of beauty. Being friends with him has changed the couse of my thoughts and beliefs. I don't want to lose a friend like that. So please don't ask me to choose. Please stop making me feel guilty. I don't want it to be an issue anymore. I think it is time I had a heart to heart with alpha mom, because if I don't I know I am going to blow up and say things that I don't want to say.

Ok so it's been awhile since I have updated. Those of you who read my livejournal know a bit of it. Hubby lost his job and has been home for a few weeks. He has a final interview with a big company tomorrow at 11:00. So, lets all keep our fingers crossed.

I started going back to the gym this week. I went and did cardio and weights one day, walked another, and went to yoga this morning. I have lost a pound and a half already! woohoo! Now I just need to get my butt motivated to lose the last 60 pounds. Yeah it sounds like a lot but I have already lost 60 so I'm halfway there! My next short-term is 30. I read an article on a girl who had a stroke at 21 and she was not THAT overweight. It is scary how much I have tempted fate. The good news is that I havn't had a gastric attack all week! I was suffering so bad I was about to go to a specialist. Yeah dummy, just eat right and exercise. I have to lose 2 pounds a week until November to reach my goal by then.

I went to Yoga this morning and she said that when you recognize the fear that is holding you back and allow it to continue you are just perpetuating the cycle of fear. So I am going to keep that in mind this week.

Photographer has invited me on a photoshoot this weekend. I can't wait. Alpha Mom on the other hand has not talked to me in a good while. She didn't answer her phone when I called and doesn't answer e-mails. I am so sorry that I'm not worth a small hello even if it is just to say how busy you are. I am really getting tired of it.

At 7 I am going to drop by the neighborhood "Girl's night". I really want to meet other moms but I don't think the world is ready for me to play charades. So, I am just going to drop in with a salad and get out. Then we are going to a birthday party for a friend. I jsut hope Bubble lasts long enough.

the last thing on my mind is well..am I pregnant? I don't know. Hubby and I were not very careful the other night, and it was pretty close to time so we will see. The bad news is that I have to wait another couple of weeks to find out. I wouldn't be upset. I would continue to work out and eat healthy and lose the extra weight. I can't say that I wouldn't be disapointed if I'm not, but I certainly would not temp fate again.

Parenting

My little girl is getting so big. But with her SURGE in ability, it becomes apparent to me that I also need to step up my parenting skills a bit. My mother was a "baby boomer" and there for only thought of herself and was pretty realistically a self centered terrible mother. I like her as a person...but hate to this day her lack of caring for the domestic/parenting front. But I won't go into my childhood. It makes me think about the skills and attributes that I want my daughter to grow up with. I will teach her to sew when she is old enough and tell her all of those "how did you know to do that?" tricks that everyone is so in awe of. At one year I think that it is time to start doing things like leading her to put away the toys before we do something else, or letting her help more with grocery shopping instead of tearing through the aisles with her whining in tow. Sure it will take me 10x as long, but that is the point of being a SAHM. To teach your children through life, not to sit on your ass. Every time I want to get slack and let her do whatever she wants because it is faster when I do it, I think of children that have never been tought responsibility and what a nightmare that is. Visual explination: Me sitting in a circle of moms at an attachment parenting meeting. Thousands of children running haywire inside the circle. Screaming over the adults running wildly, playing with their mom's boobies while their shirt is thrust over her head by a six year old. Me beginning to have an anxiety attack since no one is telling these kids to be respectful. Climbing the walls out of there so fast they thought I was the antichrist. All the while these moms stand up and whine about how their lives are miserable and they just have to remember that they will grow out of it. "this too shall pass" My head: Shut up you stupid bitch and don't come whining to me when your kid is some manipulative doped out teenager who doesn't give a shit about you because you never decided to set them any limits. "Attachment Parenting" and letting your kid do whatever the fuck they want are two TOTALLY different things. whew. ok, I needed to get that out. Needless to say, my daughter will NEVER be like that. Responsibility is so important. I know first had since I struggle as an adult since this was never tought to us. Can you say nanny and maid at birth? I don't want to set my kid up for failure like that. Kids need to be kids. They need recess and music and exploration(why my child will never go to public school). But they also need to be treated like the people they are. A child will only rise to your expectation. Maybe we would have less skill-less disrespectful druged up teenagers if we treated them like they are capable of being responsible? Raise the drinking age to 30 and all you will create are older immature kids. ok, I need a cigarette after all that bitching. more later.

TGIF

Hubby's work scheduled a Friday afternoon "performance review" meeting with both the bosses. If you work in the IT industry you know what that means. So yesterday he put a million resumes on the market. Several of which would put him on the road or put us in a different state. I don't mind so much really, a least it would be a new experience. At this point he is going to take whoever comes back to him with a job. I'm not thrilled about him being gone a lot. I hate sleeping alone and have severe anxiety about home invasion that would be hard to deal with. Plus he is my companion and I know I would be really lonely since my friends are busy. But we will deal.

I sold the couch for $200. That will help a lot considering that we don't know if hubby has a job or not. although people are already contacting him about jobs so I think we will be ok.

Yesterday I hiked up to the top of sawnee mountain with rowan in the sling. My toe looks like it has elaphantitis because of the blister I woke up with. I really want to get started losing more weight so I am going to try to go hiking/walking at least three times a week and walk around the neighborhood everyday. I just need to do it bottom line and I will feel like myself again. Right now I don't because my personality doesn't fit with this body.

I really don't have anything to do today.Bored...very bored.

STOKED

This week has been pretty cool. My baby turned one on monday, I got to buy her a whole new stash of diapers, and I get a new couch and table today!!! Plus I ordered from a lot of different places so I get fluffy mail in all week!! woohoo! I am jsut waiting on M to get off work so we can go pick up the furniture, then I have to go to lunch with a friend that I have ignored for too long, then tonight the neighbor's baby turns one, so we are cooking hamburgers. whew. To make it better, photographer asked me to go on a shoot with him. It seems like a very creative shoot and I am so excited!

One whole year

My baby is One today. Wow. This past year has felt like an eternity. It seems like she has been with us for a lifetime. Maybe she really has and just came to us last year. Last night I went in a got her out of her bed and rocked her while she slept. I couldn't believe how one year from today she was no longer than my forearm. Now her legs hang far to the ground and her tall body struggles to fit in out beloved rocking chair. all in one year. Throughout the day I have been looking at the clock and imagining what I was doing at this moment last year. Just getting into some serious labor at this point. Been having contractions for 15 hours so far. my baby is so big...

Long day

I know i havn't posted in awhile. Bubble is getting a whole new stash of cloth diapers and I have been searching endlessly for the right ones. I know, it's a bit of an obsession. Plus our tax return came in and we went to day and got a new couch and new kitchen table. We get to pick them up next wednesday! wooho! Now Hubby is out buying a grill and a lawn-mower. Yep we spent all our money. But we really needed these things and have been pretty tight recently. So Alpha Mom picked up our old kitchen table. She hardly talked to me while she was here. Then when I come outside the first thing I hear is: " I hope he didn't offend you with that. It was highly inappropriate." Fuck, can we just drop this please? I just turned around and went back inside. Bitch together all you want. They had a nice long bitchy conversation together. So I am really dead at this point, and I still need to go to walmart to get the final trimmings to Bubble's birthday dress and I missed putting in the order for her birthday cake and I don't know if they are open tomorrow....so I might have to improvise on the cake. I can always make her a little cake myself. No biggie I guess, just another pain in the butt. I am worried about getting it all done since I have a meeting on monday that I can't miss. *sigh* I am really hungry, but I can't muster up any energy to cook and clean it all up again.

Tomorrow I need to sort out her cake and return the booster seat I bought her and exchange it for a better one. geez.

Stupid people and bad press

I have been ordering my daily AJC. Today there was an article called "Green mom 2.0" The beginning of the article started out kind of humorous. It talked about how you examine everything once you examine one thing. A rabbit hole so to speak. The author was talking about how she longed to use jet-dry for her dishwasher but hated the thought of chemicals spraying onto her dishes. This made me laugh since I have often thought the same thing. Then she starts talking about the drought conditions in GA. Because of this she decided to give up her cloth diapers for disposables since she felt bad about the six loads of laundry a week she was "wasting" washing them. I couldn't even finish the article because I was so pissed. First of all, did she stop once to think about how much water the plant that makes the toxic things wastes a week? NO. Did she know that the bleaching process releases Dioxin (the most toxic chemical next to nuclear waste) into our drinking water and groundwater causing all kinds of issues like cancer and genetic anomalies in wildlife? NO. Did she mention how throwing feces into the garbage contributes to disease outbreaks because of its contamination of drinking water? NO. And most of all, did she think that she was doing the earth a favor by dumping hundreds of toxic diapers into a landfill that won't decompose for HUNDREDS of years??? Fuck no. Here is my message to the idiot who wrote the article: Get more diapers since six loads of diapers a week is excessive and ridiculous. Perhaps think about drought-washing your dishes and saving hundreds of gallons a month by not using your dishwasher. Campaign for conservation. And most of all, stop acting like you are doing our environment a favor by being a complete wanker. ok. Bitching over.

In other news. Hubby and I had a long discussion about our relationship on Saturday. I won't go into detail since some things are sacred to even anonymous readers. But we spoke calmly and gently, said our peace and came out with a solution. But best of all realized how in love we really are. Hopefully the coming months will be a lot smoother and loving than the past few.

One topic that came up was Alpha Mom and Photographer. He said to me " I know that you are young and still make mistakes, but you need to consider the fact that now you have caused an issue in another person's marriage." He was right. It was not a betrayal of the physical nature, or even the emotional in my book, but none-the-less Alpha Mom felt betrayed by me. And for that, I am truly sorry. It is a dilemma because photographer is my closest friend besides Hubby at present and I hate to have to consider things like that. But, I fear that I have damaged any semblance of a relationship with alpha mom. Plus, I realize that I have been too hard on her. I hope that she gets the help that she needs and their relationship can be mended fully. I love you both.

The wedding I went to this weekend was a flop. "Sophia Loren" Hubby's first love was supposed to be there, but had to attend to her dieing father. I was looking forward to meeting her since Hubby still has a lock of her hair in our closet. But I guess everything worked out for the best.

Visualize spring

It seems I have devolep a green thumb.

Overwhelming

Bubble slept all night last night! It makes such a difference, I actually feel like going to the gym in a bit. I am sitting in Bubble's room because it is the one place she won't stay for longer than three seconds. I can already tell that it is going to be a long day. She has done nothing but fuss since she got up.

Alpha mom posted on lj that she wanted to post but didn't because people could read it. I'm sure she meant me. I told her to go ahead that I wouldn't be offended. I think that I have hit a point in my life where truth is more important to me than flowers. "Veritas Vincit" was the motto that my father raised me on. It means truth conquers. I feel bad for alpha mom because I have been the wife that feels betrayed a number of times before. No matter what the motive, the pain is real. I feel bad too because I am supposed to be the one she comes to to talk about the issues not BE the issue. although that just goes back to my questioning of our relationship in the first place. It is like she likes being friends with me in private, but she would never invite me to a playgroup or introduce me to her other friends.

In other news, the house is a wreck. I have neglected it for days. So, I guess it is back to the domestic today. Back to the gym, and back to the laundry. I might sew tonight. Maybe something for Bubble to wear to the wedding this weekend.

Serene day

I got up this morning and first thing found a 20 in my diaper bag. It must have been an omen that I was meant to get the bag I wanted. So I called to make sure it was still there, and of course it was because I was meant to own it. So, I went to the store and bought it which was a great start to the day. Then Started driving to my parents house to pick up a bookshelf for bubble's room. They own a lot of land in the country where I grew up. I knew Hubby would be gone until late tonight meeting with old friends, so I decided to go spend a day at the farm.

On the drive down the phone rings. "Alpha Mom" shows up on the caller id. I have to say that I knew what it was about before I answered. Her tone was serious and groggy. I tried to gauge how upset she was.
"hey, I need to talk to you about something"
"ok"
"I saw your pictures on Photographer's flickr account."

...pause..

" They are really stunning. I mean absolutely stunning."

...bitterly...

"thank you"
...wrong thing so say. Bang head on steering wheel....

"But I told photographer that it was really unprofessional not to have someone else there when you do pictures like that. He doesn't see it my way so I thought I would cut out the middle man and call you"

" I understand"

"I knew you would. That's why I called you."

"Not a problem at all. That's fine with me."

small talk continued a bit more about the subject. Then small talk about other things. I offered to show her how to make children's pants since I had just learned myself this week; and offer she won't take up. We hung up the phone to me feeling a bit guilty. Then it came into my mind how I knew that she was calling about the photos: she never would have called me just to say hi. In fact every time I want to chat I wait a few days until I can come up with something she might be interested in so she will talk to me for longer than three seconds. Oh well, I'm almost to the farm.

The rest of the day was complete serenity. The sun was warm and we took off our shoes. we walked the fences like I did as a kid and picked up sticks and pine cones with my dad. Bubble walked in the grass and let the sun shine on her head, something she doesn't do every day amist our daily lives. I longed to give her a place like this to grow up; Cows mooing and goats bleeting. Looking for eggs amongst the chickens. It was so pure and so simple. We splashed our feet in the pool and didn't care what time it was. I dug up some hastas. the same hastas that my dad had split and grown into a hundred plants from the time we were kids. Bubble slept in the floor in front of the fireplace for two hours: a record so far. The whole family sat on a blanket in the sun together making up for the times we hated eachother through childhood. It all comes full circle doesn't it? Life and death and rebirth. I decided to make it a ritual to come and reconnect on the farm on a more regular basis.

Now I am sitting on the porch back in not-so-suburbia drinking beer and writing to you. I am determined not to go inside until the very last scrap of light is gone, which is fast approaching. Maybe I will put on a coat and dig in the earth after dark.

I have had a long day to ponder these events. I am saddened by the lack of mystery that marriage creates. We no longer belong to ourselves or have our secrets. we lose our appeal to our spouses because ther is nothing left to find. And at the same time uplifted by the serenity and clarity of being disconnected and connected at the same time through the simplicity of a world without excess.

"can you show me dear, something I've not seen? something infinately interesting.."
"can you show me dear?"

Tired.

I took Rowan back to our bed last night....big mistake. I am so fucking tired I can't move. When she is in our bed she sees it as playtime, not sleep time. I couldn't move if I wanted to. I layed in her bedroom floor and half slept while she played for a bit. I think I am going to see if I can get that diaper bag today. I won't see Hubby until late tonight because he is going out with all of his old friends. I will kind of be happy for the break. I might sew, but I might just go to sleep and rest. That would be nice. I have been feeding Rowan graham crackers all morning. One for each hand so she can't climb up on the bed while I'm sitting up here. I'm really freaking tired.

A great day

Photographer came over to take pictures today. They turned out so beautiful. I am so lucky to have a friend like photographer. He really has a good heart and I know I could trust him until the end of the earth. You don't come by friends like that everyday..or every decade. he really captures those feelings that are trapped inside but I can't express. Yes, he is my photo-therapist. I do worry about how it all plays out with Alpha Mom since he doesn't say anything about it. Oh well, not really my problem. I will leave that to him.

Mummy dearest came over to keep the bubble(my daughter). Hubby and I went and bought two new bras for me today. HOORAY FOR THE BOOBIES! I needed it badly. While I was there I saw a diaper bag that was so awesome and said "I hug trees" on the side. I wanted it so bad that I was vibrating. I am still aching to get it. They have it on sale for $20 instead of $40 and there is one left. I know hubby is going to be mad but I am going to squeak it up somehow and see if I can get it tomorrow. I am supposed to be getting a refund from the insurance company and that will be enough. Did I say I wanted it SOOO bad???!! I hardly ever want anything so bad..


I have to go to a wedding this weekend. It is a casual wedding that isn't in a church, but it is with all of hubby's old friends including his first love. They are all BEAUTIFUL and still wear the size two pants they wore at sixteen. I will probably be ignored the entire time. I am going to try to look fabulous. I am really insecure aroudn these women which is why I am going to try to be confident and stand up straight. Pray for me..hehe

I am watching law and order and realizing that I have seen EVERY episode. that's depressing.

Photographer is on his way over. My stomach is turning. I feel like backing out of any photos, but I know I will regret it. I am typing this to keep myself from going haywire and changing clothes a million times in the next three minutes...

Morning Sunshine

"You know, it was really SHITTY of you to smoke my last cigarette. Oh, and never lie to me about how much money you spent. You told me you spent 30 when it was 54. We could have bounced something! Now I have to go to work early and stop by the store and get cigarettes. God."..... Rolling over, thinking I need to explain. Deciding against it. Saying nothing. What a way to start the day. Is it bad that I am not even mad? He is always critical, if I got upset every time I would be upset a lot. Now Rowan is hanging all over me and I just want everyone to leave me alone. maybe go for a hike. A nice quiet hike with no people. She is unpacking every bit of laundry that I just folded as I brood in hiding behind the bathroom door.

Mushed up feelings

I had crazy sex dreams last night. I never experienced this until I had my daughter. It's like womanhood came rushing in faster than I knew what to do with it. needless to say I woke up all hot. Of course my husband is dressed and ready to go to work and handing me the baby to feed. I don't even think that he thinks of me that way anymore, which is my own fault. I gained so much weight that I shut him off. He's not allowed to think of me that way because I can't think of me that way. I have lost weight since her birth(40lbs) but I still weigh 235. My goal is 180 to start with. I got up and went to the gym this morning for the first time since my breast biopsy. I only did 30 minutes because the baby hadn't been there for awhile. I burned about 250 cals. and what did I eat today? I ate a bagel with butter and jam..not a good way to start the day...then for lunch I had a ham and cheese sadwich with spinach dip and chips. Jesus christ. why do I even try? Honestly I know I could lose mroe weight if M would support me. It's almost like he tempts me to fail so that he will feel better about himself. I can't blame him for my failure I know, so I just need to buck up and start fucking doing it. so, that's my goal anyway.

My friend "photographer" is coming over tomorrow to take pictures of me. He really wants me to do some nudes. If I wasn't married I would probably do it...maybe. I really can't understand why he wants to photograph me. Although the idea gives me butterflies in my stomach that havn't appeared for a long time. I think I am afraid of letting go. Really afraid. Every time I do it seems that I have done something inapropriate. I fantasize about it hopelessly. He took some of me kind of topless nursing my daughter. His wife "Alpha mom" was there during the shoot. Talk about uncomfortable. I was so stiff that it was amazing we got any good pictures at all. I am friends with Alpha Mom but it is an interesting relationship. I can't ever seem to get past feeling inferior to her. but that's a long story. I don't think that Hubby would really mind so much, but I'm not sure what he would say about it. He does accuse me of cheating a lot. I am afraid to even mention the subject to him. I would never have an afair. Photographer is a good friend, and while he does do a lot for my ego, it would NEVER be sexual. I wouldn't do that to Hubby...plus I'm really fucking scared of Alpha Mom. I'm like a puppy going after her scraps waiting on some little bit of friendship she will throw my way. but once again, that's a different story. I guess I would like to do some topless shots...I'm still too chicken to go all nude. I don't think I have the courage to ask Hubby and I would never do it without him knowing. These are the times I really want some freedom. I fantasize about that place of freedom. I am standing in a field of wheat in a burka(strange I know) made of black sheer and the wind is blowing hard. The wheat bends and ripples in the wind and there is a lone tree in the distance. We will see what happens

new blog

Yes I have many blogs, or at least a few. The only issue is that I temper what I say because my local friends are reading it. Sometimes giving me a lot of hell for things they don't agree with. Well Fuck you because here I will say what I want. So, it is sort of a secret blog. A not so secret blog where anything that comes out of my head goes onto the keyboard. Here goes nothing.