pain

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know that it would come out hte way I meant it. This hurt inside me is so real and vivid and blue like an ocean after dark. Serious and commanding and frightening, but when I try to put it in words it sound menial and trivial. I feel perhaps I could rip my heart out and stamp it on the page and it would tell the story perfectly in purple blood. I want answers..but i'm afraid I cannot grasp the question. I can't talk to Michael about it. He wouldn't understand regauardless of his good intentions. I know it is my own personal demon. and mine alone to deal with. Maybe this dumness is insisting that I work it out for myself. I carry it around like a slow dull ache unable to talk about it. Even if I could, there is no one there. I'm dropping like a stone into it. I am going to attempt to talk to a spiriual healer tomorrow and se if I can sort it all out, but I don't know if I will be able with Rowan. I know I am desperate and I feel so alone in it all

I have no idea why I am so ILL right now. Everyone is irritating me and I am so close to telling everyone to go fuck themselves and lose my number. I really only get to this point every couple of years. I don't know what's up. Another strange element is that I keep invisioning shafts of wheat. I don't know what that signifies, but everytime I meditate I see a wheat field and every time I daydream or zone out I picture shafts of wheat bending in the wind. I will look it up later.

I started going through closets today in an attempt to decide what I would want to take with me and what needs to be given away. I know it is jumping the gun a little bit, but I feel like I can't look back. Like if I forget there is a possibility it won't work I can will it into happening. I can't even think about that possibility. I just need to move one and go somewhere else. There are so many wmotional ties that I am ready to get rid of. Plus I think it would be so good for Hubby and I to leave our past behind in Georgia.

You make this easy

whatever delusions i had are gone. Thanks for making this easy for me. I thought it would be hard to leave everything I know. But really..not so much. What do I have in truth? a few friends that I see maybe once every six months. Then they have the gall to say "I wish you didn't have to go" really Alphamom was the only one who was honest and basically said yeah you should. I can say a lot, but at least I respect the hell out of her. These few friends I do see once or twice a year are not worth staying here where I am miserable. So Arizona here we come. It makes me feel so lightheaded and hopeful to think about it. It will be a shitload of work, but the prospect of starting a new life with the man I love sounds sweet to me. I hope that I am not getting ahead of myself since we don't have the official offer yet. We will see what happens but I want this.

It has been an interesting week. Photographer and Alphamom went on a trip to the shuttle launch in Florida. Yeah I'm so flipping jealous of them being at the beach. But I'm glad that they got to spend some time together without all of the influences of daily life. Sometimes marriages need that disconnect from the real world.



This week has been one of pondering. I guess the time alone allowed me to work some things out. Things that became raw wounds when revisited. I fell pretty low for awhile but seem to have come out better than before. I bought a cheezy dirty novel at the grocery store this week. It was the cliche plot about a man rescuing a tainted woman and avenging her and restoring her honor while madly and passionately helping her discover her sexual being. Yeah save it..this is going somewhere.... As I am reading I flashed back to sitting in the car with my aunt. the product of a military husband and too many nights alone. She broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably that she would never again make love passionately before her death. It made me realize what a mad woman I am. I have it. I found myself connecting to the "whore" in the book. Someone who made humiliating mistakes and was dilerabately hateful. And against all odds he still loves her...he still loves me. I'm not saying that it doesn't efect our relationship because it does.. But unbelievably he still loves me. I could not come to terms with what I had done so I shut him off. I felt like the combination of those things plus gaining weight led me to the conclusion that no one would love me or find me attractive until I "fixed" myself.

I feel so liberated. Unleashing a pent-up dam can be powerful and frightening. Everytime I think of him my head swims. All I can think of is making love to him. I kept him up until 1:30 in the morning last night and oddly enough still felt insatiable. It is almost like years of holding back is rushing out of me. I think he finds me tiring. I don't blame him. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that he feels that way about me. He has been with an ice queen all this time anyway. I'm falling back in love with my husband.....how painful and incredible it feels.