Wednesday, April 30, 2008
STOKED
This week has been pretty cool. My baby turned one on monday, I got to buy her a whole new stash of diapers, and I get a new couch and table today!!! Plus I ordered from a lot of different places so I get fluffy mail in all week!! woohoo! I am jsut waiting on M to get off work so we can go pick up the furniture, then I have to go to lunch with a friend that I have ignored for too long, then tonight the neighbor's baby turns one, so we are cooking hamburgers. whew. To make it better, photographer asked me to go on a shoot with him. It seems like a very creative shoot and I am so excited!
Monday, April 28, 2008
One whole year
My baby is One today. Wow. This past year has felt like an eternity. It seems like she has been with us for a lifetime. Maybe she really has and just came to us last year. Last night I went in a got her out of her bed and rocked her while she slept. I couldn't believe how one year from today she was no longer than my forearm. Now her legs hang far to the ground and her tall body struggles to fit in out beloved rocking chair. all in one year. Throughout the day I have been looking at the clock and imagining what I was doing at this moment last year. Just getting into some serious labor at this point. Been having contractions for 15 hours so far. my baby is so big...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Long day
I know i havn't posted in awhile. Bubble is getting a whole new stash of cloth diapers and I have been searching endlessly for the right ones. I know, it's a bit of an obsession. Plus our tax return came in and we went to day and got a new couch and new kitchen table. We get to pick them up next wednesday! wooho! Now Hubby is out buying a grill and a lawn-mower. Yep we spent all our money. But we really needed these things and have been pretty tight recently. So Alpha Mom picked up our old kitchen table. She hardly talked to me while she was here. Then when I come outside the first thing I hear is: " I hope he didn't offend you with that. It was highly inappropriate." Fuck, can we just drop this please? I just turned around and went back inside. Bitch together all you want. They had a nice long bitchy conversation together. So I am really dead at this point, and I still need to go to walmart to get the final trimmings to Bubble's birthday dress and I missed putting in the order for her birthday cake and I don't know if they are open tomorrow....so I might have to improvise on the cake. I can always make her a little cake myself. No biggie I guess, just another pain in the butt. I am worried about getting it all done since I have a meeting on monday that I can't miss. *sigh* I am really hungry, but I can't muster up any energy to cook and clean it all up again.
Tomorrow I need to sort out her cake and return the booster seat I bought her and exchange it for a better one. geez.
Tomorrow I need to sort out her cake and return the booster seat I bought her and exchange it for a better one. geez.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Stupid people and bad press
I have been ordering my daily AJC. Today there was an article called "Green mom 2.0" The beginning of the article started out kind of humorous. It talked about how you examine everything once you examine one thing. A rabbit hole so to speak. The author was talking about how she longed to use jet-dry for her dishwasher but hated the thought of chemicals spraying onto her dishes. This made me laugh since I have often thought the same thing. Then she starts talking about the drought conditions in GA. Because of this she decided to give up her cloth diapers for disposables since she felt bad about the six loads of laundry a week she was "wasting" washing them. I couldn't even finish the article because I was so pissed. First of all, did she stop once to think about how much water the plant that makes the toxic things wastes a week? NO. Did she know that the bleaching process releases Dioxin (the most toxic chemical next to nuclear waste) into our drinking water and groundwater causing all kinds of issues like cancer and genetic anomalies in wildlife? NO. Did she mention how throwing feces into the garbage contributes to disease outbreaks because of its contamination of drinking water? NO. And most of all, did she think that she was doing the earth a favor by dumping hundreds of toxic diapers into a landfill that won't decompose for HUNDREDS of years??? Fuck no. Here is my message to the idiot who wrote the article: Get more diapers since six loads of diapers a week is excessive and ridiculous. Perhaps think about drought-washing your dishes and saving hundreds of gallons a month by not using your dishwasher. Campaign for conservation. And most of all, stop acting like you are doing our environment a favor by being a complete wanker. ok. Bitching over.
In other news. Hubby and I had a long discussion about our relationship on Saturday. I won't go into detail since some things are sacred to even anonymous readers. But we spoke calmly and gently, said our peace and came out with a solution. But best of all realized how in love we really are. Hopefully the coming months will be a lot smoother and loving than the past few.
One topic that came up was Alpha Mom and Photographer. He said to me " I know that you are young and still make mistakes, but you need to consider the fact that now you have caused an issue in another person's marriage." He was right. It was not a betrayal of the physical nature, or even the emotional in my book, but none-the-less Alpha Mom felt betrayed by me. And for that, I am truly sorry. It is a dilemma because photographer is my closest friend besides Hubby at present and I hate to have to consider things like that. But, I fear that I have damaged any semblance of a relationship with alpha mom. Plus, I realize that I have been too hard on her. I hope that she gets the help that she needs and their relationship can be mended fully. I love you both.
The wedding I went to this weekend was a flop. "Sophia Loren" Hubby's first love was supposed to be there, but had to attend to her dieing father. I was looking forward to meeting her since Hubby still has a lock of her hair in our closet. But I guess everything worked out for the best.
In other news. Hubby and I had a long discussion about our relationship on Saturday. I won't go into detail since some things are sacred to even anonymous readers. But we spoke calmly and gently, said our peace and came out with a solution. But best of all realized how in love we really are. Hopefully the coming months will be a lot smoother and loving than the past few.
One topic that came up was Alpha Mom and Photographer. He said to me " I know that you are young and still make mistakes, but you need to consider the fact that now you have caused an issue in another person's marriage." He was right. It was not a betrayal of the physical nature, or even the emotional in my book, but none-the-less Alpha Mom felt betrayed by me. And for that, I am truly sorry. It is a dilemma because photographer is my closest friend besides Hubby at present and I hate to have to consider things like that. But, I fear that I have damaged any semblance of a relationship with alpha mom. Plus, I realize that I have been too hard on her. I hope that she gets the help that she needs and their relationship can be mended fully. I love you both.
The wedding I went to this weekend was a flop. "Sophia Loren" Hubby's first love was supposed to be there, but had to attend to her dieing father. I was looking forward to meeting her since Hubby still has a lock of her hair in our closet. But I guess everything worked out for the best.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Overwhelming
Bubble slept all night last night! It makes such a difference, I actually feel like going to the gym in a bit. I am sitting in Bubble's room because it is the one place she won't stay for longer than three seconds. I can already tell that it is going to be a long day. She has done nothing but fuss since she got up.
Alpha mom posted on lj that she wanted to post but didn't because people could read it. I'm sure she meant me. I told her to go ahead that I wouldn't be offended. I think that I have hit a point in my life where truth is more important to me than flowers. "Veritas Vincit" was the motto that my father raised me on. It means truth conquers. I feel bad for alpha mom because I have been the wife that feels betrayed a number of times before. No matter what the motive, the pain is real. I feel bad too because I am supposed to be the one she comes to to talk about the issues not BE the issue. although that just goes back to my questioning of our relationship in the first place. It is like she likes being friends with me in private, but she would never invite me to a playgroup or introduce me to her other friends.
In other news, the house is a wreck. I have neglected it for days. So, I guess it is back to the domestic today. Back to the gym, and back to the laundry. I might sew tonight. Maybe something for Bubble to wear to the wedding this weekend.
Alpha mom posted on lj that she wanted to post but didn't because people could read it. I'm sure she meant me. I told her to go ahead that I wouldn't be offended. I think that I have hit a point in my life where truth is more important to me than flowers. "Veritas Vincit" was the motto that my father raised me on. It means truth conquers. I feel bad for alpha mom because I have been the wife that feels betrayed a number of times before. No matter what the motive, the pain is real. I feel bad too because I am supposed to be the one she comes to to talk about the issues not BE the issue. although that just goes back to my questioning of our relationship in the first place. It is like she likes being friends with me in private, but she would never invite me to a playgroup or introduce me to her other friends.
In other news, the house is a wreck. I have neglected it for days. So, I guess it is back to the domestic today. Back to the gym, and back to the laundry. I might sew tonight. Maybe something for Bubble to wear to the wedding this weekend.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Serene day
I got up this morning and first thing found a 20 in my diaper bag. It must have been an omen that I was meant to get the bag I wanted. So I called to make sure it was still there, and of course it was because I was meant to own it. So, I went to the store and bought it which was a great start to the day. Then Started driving to my parents house to pick up a bookshelf for bubble's room. They own a lot of land in the country where I grew up. I knew Hubby would be gone until late tonight meeting with old friends, so I decided to go spend a day at the farm.
On the drive down the phone rings. "Alpha Mom" shows up on the caller id. I have to say that I knew what it was about before I answered. Her tone was serious and groggy. I tried to gauge how upset she was.
"hey, I need to talk to you about something"
"ok"
"I saw your pictures on Photographer's flickr account."
...pause..
" They are really stunning. I mean absolutely stunning."
...bitterly...
"thank you"
...wrong thing so say. Bang head on steering wheel....
"But I told photographer that it was really unprofessional not to have someone else there when you do pictures like that. He doesn't see it my way so I thought I would cut out the middle man and call you"
" I understand"
"I knew you would. That's why I called you."
"Not a problem at all. That's fine with me."
small talk continued a bit more about the subject. Then small talk about other things. I offered to show her how to make children's pants since I had just learned myself this week; and offer she won't take up. We hung up the phone to me feeling a bit guilty. Then it came into my mind how I knew that she was calling about the photos: she never would have called me just to say hi. In fact every time I want to chat I wait a few days until I can come up with something she might be interested in so she will talk to me for longer than three seconds. Oh well, I'm almost to the farm.
The rest of the day was complete serenity. The sun was warm and we took off our shoes. we walked the fences like I did as a kid and picked up sticks and pine cones with my dad. Bubble walked in the grass and let the sun shine on her head, something she doesn't do every day amist our daily lives. I longed to give her a place like this to grow up; Cows mooing and goats bleeting. Looking for eggs amongst the chickens. It was so pure and so simple. We splashed our feet in the pool and didn't care what time it was. I dug up some hastas. the same hastas that my dad had split and grown into a hundred plants from the time we were kids. Bubble slept in the floor in front of the fireplace for two hours: a record so far. The whole family sat on a blanket in the sun together making up for the times we hated eachother through childhood. It all comes full circle doesn't it? Life and death and rebirth. I decided to make it a ritual to come and reconnect on the farm on a more regular basis.
Now I am sitting on the porch back in not-so-suburbia drinking beer and writing to you. I am determined not to go inside until the very last scrap of light is gone, which is fast approaching. Maybe I will put on a coat and dig in the earth after dark.
I have had a long day to ponder these events. I am saddened by the lack of mystery that marriage creates. We no longer belong to ourselves or have our secrets. we lose our appeal to our spouses because ther is nothing left to find. And at the same time uplifted by the serenity and clarity of being disconnected and connected at the same time through the simplicity of a world without excess.
"can you show me dear, something I've not seen? something infinately interesting.."
"can you show me dear?"
On the drive down the phone rings. "Alpha Mom" shows up on the caller id. I have to say that I knew what it was about before I answered. Her tone was serious and groggy. I tried to gauge how upset she was.
"hey, I need to talk to you about something"
"ok"
"I saw your pictures on Photographer's flickr account."
...pause..
" They are really stunning. I mean absolutely stunning."
...bitterly...
"thank you"
...wrong thing so say. Bang head on steering wheel....
"But I told photographer that it was really unprofessional not to have someone else there when you do pictures like that. He doesn't see it my way so I thought I would cut out the middle man and call you"
" I understand"
"I knew you would. That's why I called you."
"Not a problem at all. That's fine with me."
small talk continued a bit more about the subject. Then small talk about other things. I offered to show her how to make children's pants since I had just learned myself this week; and offer she won't take up. We hung up the phone to me feeling a bit guilty. Then it came into my mind how I knew that she was calling about the photos: she never would have called me just to say hi. In fact every time I want to chat I wait a few days until I can come up with something she might be interested in so she will talk to me for longer than three seconds. Oh well, I'm almost to the farm.
The rest of the day was complete serenity. The sun was warm and we took off our shoes. we walked the fences like I did as a kid and picked up sticks and pine cones with my dad. Bubble walked in the grass and let the sun shine on her head, something she doesn't do every day amist our daily lives. I longed to give her a place like this to grow up; Cows mooing and goats bleeting. Looking for eggs amongst the chickens. It was so pure and so simple. We splashed our feet in the pool and didn't care what time it was. I dug up some hastas. the same hastas that my dad had split and grown into a hundred plants from the time we were kids. Bubble slept in the floor in front of the fireplace for two hours: a record so far. The whole family sat on a blanket in the sun together making up for the times we hated eachother through childhood. It all comes full circle doesn't it? Life and death and rebirth. I decided to make it a ritual to come and reconnect on the farm on a more regular basis.
Now I am sitting on the porch back in not-so-suburbia drinking beer and writing to you. I am determined not to go inside until the very last scrap of light is gone, which is fast approaching. Maybe I will put on a coat and dig in the earth after dark.
I have had a long day to ponder these events. I am saddened by the lack of mystery that marriage creates. We no longer belong to ourselves or have our secrets. we lose our appeal to our spouses because ther is nothing left to find. And at the same time uplifted by the serenity and clarity of being disconnected and connected at the same time through the simplicity of a world without excess.
"can you show me dear, something I've not seen? something infinately interesting.."
"can you show me dear?"
Tired.
I took Rowan back to our bed last night....big mistake. I am so fucking tired I can't move. When she is in our bed she sees it as playtime, not sleep time. I couldn't move if I wanted to. I layed in her bedroom floor and half slept while she played for a bit. I think I am going to see if I can get that diaper bag today. I won't see Hubby until late tonight because he is going out with all of his old friends. I will kind of be happy for the break. I might sew, but I might just go to sleep and rest. That would be nice. I have been feeding Rowan graham crackers all morning. One for each hand so she can't climb up on the bed while I'm sitting up here. I'm really freaking tired.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A great day
Photographer came over to take pictures today. They turned out so beautiful. I am so lucky to have a friend like photographer. He really has a good heart and I know I could trust him until the end of the earth. You don't come by friends like that everyday..or every decade. he really captures those feelings that are trapped inside but I can't express. Yes, he is my photo-therapist. I do worry about how it all plays out with Alpha Mom since he doesn't say anything about it. Oh well, not really my problem. I will leave that to him.
Mummy dearest came over to keep the bubble(my daughter). Hubby and I went and bought two new bras for me today. HOORAY FOR THE BOOBIES! I needed it badly. While I was there I saw a diaper bag that was so awesome and said "I hug trees" on the side. I wanted it so bad that I was vibrating. I am still aching to get it. They have it on sale for $20 instead of $40 and there is one left. I know hubby is going to be mad but I am going to squeak it up somehow and see if I can get it tomorrow. I am supposed to be getting a refund from the insurance company and that will be enough. Did I say I wanted it SOOO bad???!! I hardly ever want anything so bad..
I have to go to a wedding this weekend. It is a casual wedding that isn't in a church, but it is with all of hubby's old friends including his first love. They are all BEAUTIFUL and still wear the size two pants they wore at sixteen. I will probably be ignored the entire time. I am going to try to look fabulous. I am really insecure aroudn these women which is why I am going to try to be confident and stand up straight. Pray for me..hehe
I am watching law and order and realizing that I have seen EVERY episode. that's depressing.
Mummy dearest came over to keep the bubble(my daughter). Hubby and I went and bought two new bras for me today. HOORAY FOR THE BOOBIES! I needed it badly. While I was there I saw a diaper bag that was so awesome and said "I hug trees" on the side. I wanted it so bad that I was vibrating. I am still aching to get it. They have it on sale for $20 instead of $40 and there is one left. I know hubby is going to be mad but I am going to squeak it up somehow and see if I can get it tomorrow. I am supposed to be getting a refund from the insurance company and that will be enough. Did I say I wanted it SOOO bad???!! I hardly ever want anything so bad..
I have to go to a wedding this weekend. It is a casual wedding that isn't in a church, but it is with all of hubby's old friends including his first love. They are all BEAUTIFUL and still wear the size two pants they wore at sixteen. I will probably be ignored the entire time. I am going to try to look fabulous. I am really insecure aroudn these women which is why I am going to try to be confident and stand up straight. Pray for me..hehe
I am watching law and order and realizing that I have seen EVERY episode. that's depressing.
Morning Sunshine
"You know, it was really SHITTY of you to smoke my last cigarette. Oh, and never lie to me about how much money you spent. You told me you spent 30 when it was 54. We could have bounced something! Now I have to go to work early and stop by the store and get cigarettes. God."..... Rolling over, thinking I need to explain. Deciding against it. Saying nothing. What a way to start the day. Is it bad that I am not even mad? He is always critical, if I got upset every time I would be upset a lot. Now Rowan is hanging all over me and I just want everyone to leave me alone. maybe go for a hike. A nice quiet hike with no people. She is unpacking every bit of laundry that I just folded as I brood in hiding behind the bathroom door.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Mushed up feelings
I had crazy sex dreams last night. I never experienced this until I had my daughter. It's like womanhood came rushing in faster than I knew what to do with it. needless to say I woke up all hot. Of course my husband is dressed and ready to go to work and handing me the baby to feed. I don't even think that he thinks of me that way anymore, which is my own fault. I gained so much weight that I shut him off. He's not allowed to think of me that way because I can't think of me that way. I have lost weight since her birth(40lbs) but I still weigh 235. My goal is 180 to start with. I got up and went to the gym this morning for the first time since my breast biopsy. I only did 30 minutes because the baby hadn't been there for awhile. I burned about 250 cals. and what did I eat today? I ate a bagel with butter and jam..not a good way to start the day...then for lunch I had a ham and cheese sadwich with spinach dip and chips. Jesus christ. why do I even try? Honestly I know I could lose mroe weight if M would support me. It's almost like he tempts me to fail so that he will feel better about himself. I can't blame him for my failure I know, so I just need to buck up and start fucking doing it. so, that's my goal anyway.
My friend "photographer" is coming over tomorrow to take pictures of me. He really wants me to do some nudes. If I wasn't married I would probably do it...maybe. I really can't understand why he wants to photograph me. Although the idea gives me butterflies in my stomach that havn't appeared for a long time. I think I am afraid of letting go. Really afraid. Every time I do it seems that I have done something inapropriate. I fantasize about it hopelessly. He took some of me kind of topless nursing my daughter. His wife "Alpha mom" was there during the shoot. Talk about uncomfortable. I was so stiff that it was amazing we got any good pictures at all. I am friends with Alpha Mom but it is an interesting relationship. I can't ever seem to get past feeling inferior to her. but that's a long story. I don't think that Hubby would really mind so much, but I'm not sure what he would say about it. He does accuse me of cheating a lot. I am afraid to even mention the subject to him. I would never have an afair. Photographer is a good friend, and while he does do a lot for my ego, it would NEVER be sexual. I wouldn't do that to Hubby...plus I'm really fucking scared of Alpha Mom. I'm like a puppy going after her scraps waiting on some little bit of friendship she will throw my way. but once again, that's a different story. I guess I would like to do some topless shots...I'm still too chicken to go all nude. I don't think I have the courage to ask Hubby and I would never do it without him knowing. These are the times I really want some freedom. I fantasize about that place of freedom. I am standing in a field of wheat in a burka(strange I know) made of black sheer and the wind is blowing hard. The wheat bends and ripples in the wind and there is a lone tree in the distance. We will see what happens
My friend "photographer" is coming over tomorrow to take pictures of me. He really wants me to do some nudes. If I wasn't married I would probably do it...maybe. I really can't understand why he wants to photograph me. Although the idea gives me butterflies in my stomach that havn't appeared for a long time. I think I am afraid of letting go. Really afraid. Every time I do it seems that I have done something inapropriate. I fantasize about it hopelessly. He took some of me kind of topless nursing my daughter. His wife "Alpha mom" was there during the shoot. Talk about uncomfortable. I was so stiff that it was amazing we got any good pictures at all. I am friends with Alpha Mom but it is an interesting relationship. I can't ever seem to get past feeling inferior to her. but that's a long story. I don't think that Hubby would really mind so much, but I'm not sure what he would say about it. He does accuse me of cheating a lot. I am afraid to even mention the subject to him. I would never have an afair. Photographer is a good friend, and while he does do a lot for my ego, it would NEVER be sexual. I wouldn't do that to Hubby...plus I'm really fucking scared of Alpha Mom. I'm like a puppy going after her scraps waiting on some little bit of friendship she will throw my way. but once again, that's a different story. I guess I would like to do some topless shots...I'm still too chicken to go all nude. I don't think I have the courage to ask Hubby and I would never do it without him knowing. These are the times I really want some freedom. I fantasize about that place of freedom. I am standing in a field of wheat in a burka(strange I know) made of black sheer and the wind is blowing hard. The wheat bends and ripples in the wind and there is a lone tree in the distance. We will see what happens
new blog
Yes I have many blogs, or at least a few. The only issue is that I temper what I say because my local friends are reading it. Sometimes giving me a lot of hell for things they don't agree with. Well Fuck you because here I will say what I want. So, it is sort of a secret blog. A not so secret blog where anything that comes out of my head goes onto the keyboard. Here goes nothing.
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