My period started this morning. Heavy and hard. The second it started I almost passed out. It hasn't hurt me this bad in a long time. My back hurts and I am so weak I can barely move. I don't know what to say. I think that I wanted a baby so that I would have purpose and hope. Not the reason to have a baby. So everything is for the best. I just feel dead. I feel so lonely, but when people speak to me I have nothing to say. I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster and I can't keep up. Where is my place... where do I fit into it all. I don't even know who i am anymore. I would normally autocorrect and reason with how I feel with all kinds of crap about new motherhood yada yada yada. But I'm not going to. I'm jealous of other people's lives and I don't know how to fix it. Nothing makes me feel better right now. Nothing brings comfort. I want to cry but I can't. I'm just here watching the world go by. I'm crying out for someone to reach me and no one can. what am I going to do....what the hell am I going to do.

It's not ok

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have been struggling with a few things. As you all know my relationship with Alpha Mom has been strained to say the least. In my last post I decided it was ok that she treated me like that because friendship is not begging for someone's time. That's true, but you know what? It's not ok. It's not ok that she constantly makes me feel second rate. I know we all have our DEAR friends and our so so friends. I am obviously one of her so so friends. That's fine, I have them too. So why do I feel so betrayed? because I have shared my most vulnerable moments with her. My entire life I have never let people get close to me. But I let her get close and shared things with her that I have never discussed with anyone. She helped me birth my only child, one of the most vulnerable moments of my life and she won't even answer the phone when I call. It's not ok and I am incredibly hurt by it. I'm not being a bitchy woman in a cat fight, I am being a friend that is hurt. I have decided to talk to her about it and then resign myself not to count on her. something I have been putting off hoping things will change. But they won't, so I am giving up on ever meaning anything to her. I'm sorry Alpha Mom, I know you don't mean to but I am done.

I spent the holiday weekend with "copper" a local sheriff and his girlfriend "Georgia". we really hit it off and I am excited to have a new friend that is on the same level as I am. She is 28 and has two kids. So we have a lot in common and enjoy eachother's company. I think god knows when we feel alone and abandoned and helps us get through it. I am grateful that it all worked out and it helped me get to face my feelings about the Alpha Mom situation.

Bubble is getting molars and I have had to be very gentle with her. I have decided not to wean her at all. We have really hard days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore, but we get through it. I still enjoy being able to comfort her, so I will let her do it her way. she just isn't ready.

In other news, I don't think I am pregnant. I took one test and it was negative, but it was WAY too early because I am too impatient. but I am supposed to start this next week, so we will see what happens. Sometimes I think yes, and sometimes I think know. But I am already feeling PMS-ish so I think most likely no. It is a little bit of a relief to be honest. I don't know if I am ready to do this all over again since I am just starting to get my life back. But either way you know is meant to be. There is a reason for everything. So now we wait.

well I've been thinking this morning. I'm too hard on Alpha Mom. Friendship is about time freely given to those you enjoy being around. She doesn't owe me a thing. Tantrum over.

I'm tired. There is so much going on right now I just can't think about anything else. Hubby still hasn't gotten a job and if you are wondering how long you can pay bills without a job, the answer is two months. Bye-bye 401k. Who needs retirement right? I just want him to get a fucking job that he can keep and we cna actually get ahead for once. It isn't his fault. I hate the IT industry. But we are just trying to live normally because if we arn't going to make it, then $20 at a restaurant isn't going to change a thing. Not to mention that it is impossable to keep a house clean with him at home. Although he did clean the whole kitchen this morning. Thanks baby. Too bad the baby mucks it up in about two seconds. Se la vie.

I don't want to do anything today. curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself...

Photographer

so photographer and I went to do the shoot for power girl today. Hubby and I dropped bubble off at her grandmother's house for the day so we could both do things on our own. Hubby mentioned that it would be better if we both went to photographer's house and talked to Alpha Mom together to make her feel more comfortable. she seemed OK. A little distant if anything. But we of course missed the chance to leave early and get a latte at starbucks. So we went straight there and got to work. I have to say that I am still high off that shoot. I had so much fun. It felt good to be useful for something. I pinned hats and laced corsets, and really got free reign with poses. They came out awesome. So Alpha Mom calls maybe three times to say things pretty much useless. Probably to make sure we weren't having sex. Seriously? Anyway, right when we were packing up she called and INSISTED that we meet her for late lunch. This is where I get pissed off so I am going to try not to rail. She was a total snot when we got there and kept making snide comments towards me. " Well that's what an ASSISTANT does" Yes dear I know. And I enjoyed it immensely. She feigned how she was glad that she didn't have to go. really? then why are you being rude to me. Here's the thing. I like being friends with photographer. Yes there is an attraction. But I don't fuck everything that I am attracted to. I get along with him better than anyone in the past several years. Suddenly I don't feel like no one gets me or is on the level with me. And he likes me for who I am annoying parts included. And he showd me that I am still attractive beyond the typical view of beauty. Being friends with him has changed the couse of my thoughts and beliefs. I don't want to lose a friend like that. So please don't ask me to choose. Please stop making me feel guilty. I don't want it to be an issue anymore. I think it is time I had a heart to heart with alpha mom, because if I don't I know I am going to blow up and say things that I don't want to say.

Ok so it's been awhile since I have updated. Those of you who read my livejournal know a bit of it. Hubby lost his job and has been home for a few weeks. He has a final interview with a big company tomorrow at 11:00. So, lets all keep our fingers crossed.

I started going back to the gym this week. I went and did cardio and weights one day, walked another, and went to yoga this morning. I have lost a pound and a half already! woohoo! Now I just need to get my butt motivated to lose the last 60 pounds. Yeah it sounds like a lot but I have already lost 60 so I'm halfway there! My next short-term is 30. I read an article on a girl who had a stroke at 21 and she was not THAT overweight. It is scary how much I have tempted fate. The good news is that I havn't had a gastric attack all week! I was suffering so bad I was about to go to a specialist. Yeah dummy, just eat right and exercise. I have to lose 2 pounds a week until November to reach my goal by then.

I went to Yoga this morning and she said that when you recognize the fear that is holding you back and allow it to continue you are just perpetuating the cycle of fear. So I am going to keep that in mind this week.

Photographer has invited me on a photoshoot this weekend. I can't wait. Alpha Mom on the other hand has not talked to me in a good while. She didn't answer her phone when I called and doesn't answer e-mails. I am so sorry that I'm not worth a small hello even if it is just to say how busy you are. I am really getting tired of it.

At 7 I am going to drop by the neighborhood "Girl's night". I really want to meet other moms but I don't think the world is ready for me to play charades. So, I am just going to drop in with a salad and get out. Then we are going to a birthday party for a friend. I jsut hope Bubble lasts long enough.

the last thing on my mind is well..am I pregnant? I don't know. Hubby and I were not very careful the other night, and it was pretty close to time so we will see. The bad news is that I have to wait another couple of weeks to find out. I wouldn't be upset. I would continue to work out and eat healthy and lose the extra weight. I can't say that I wouldn't be disapointed if I'm not, but I certainly would not temp fate again.

Parenting

My little girl is getting so big. But with her SURGE in ability, it becomes apparent to me that I also need to step up my parenting skills a bit. My mother was a "baby boomer" and there for only thought of herself and was pretty realistically a self centered terrible mother. I like her as a person...but hate to this day her lack of caring for the domestic/parenting front. But I won't go into my childhood. It makes me think about the skills and attributes that I want my daughter to grow up with. I will teach her to sew when she is old enough and tell her all of those "how did you know to do that?" tricks that everyone is so in awe of. At one year I think that it is time to start doing things like leading her to put away the toys before we do something else, or letting her help more with grocery shopping instead of tearing through the aisles with her whining in tow. Sure it will take me 10x as long, but that is the point of being a SAHM. To teach your children through life, not to sit on your ass. Every time I want to get slack and let her do whatever she wants because it is faster when I do it, I think of children that have never been tought responsibility and what a nightmare that is. Visual explination: Me sitting in a circle of moms at an attachment parenting meeting. Thousands of children running haywire inside the circle. Screaming over the adults running wildly, playing with their mom's boobies while their shirt is thrust over her head by a six year old. Me beginning to have an anxiety attack since no one is telling these kids to be respectful. Climbing the walls out of there so fast they thought I was the antichrist. All the while these moms stand up and whine about how their lives are miserable and they just have to remember that they will grow out of it. "this too shall pass" My head: Shut up you stupid bitch and don't come whining to me when your kid is some manipulative doped out teenager who doesn't give a shit about you because you never decided to set them any limits. "Attachment Parenting" and letting your kid do whatever the fuck they want are two TOTALLY different things. whew. ok, I needed to get that out. Needless to say, my daughter will NEVER be like that. Responsibility is so important. I know first had since I struggle as an adult since this was never tought to us. Can you say nanny and maid at birth? I don't want to set my kid up for failure like that. Kids need to be kids. They need recess and music and exploration(why my child will never go to public school). But they also need to be treated like the people they are. A child will only rise to your expectation. Maybe we would have less skill-less disrespectful druged up teenagers if we treated them like they are capable of being responsible? Raise the drinking age to 30 and all you will create are older immature kids. ok, I need a cigarette after all that bitching. more later.

TGIF

Hubby's work scheduled a Friday afternoon "performance review" meeting with both the bosses. If you work in the IT industry you know what that means. So yesterday he put a million resumes on the market. Several of which would put him on the road or put us in a different state. I don't mind so much really, a least it would be a new experience. At this point he is going to take whoever comes back to him with a job. I'm not thrilled about him being gone a lot. I hate sleeping alone and have severe anxiety about home invasion that would be hard to deal with. Plus he is my companion and I know I would be really lonely since my friends are busy. But we will deal.

I sold the couch for $200. That will help a lot considering that we don't know if hubby has a job or not. although people are already contacting him about jobs so I think we will be ok.

Yesterday I hiked up to the top of sawnee mountain with rowan in the sling. My toe looks like it has elaphantitis because of the blister I woke up with. I really want to get started losing more weight so I am going to try to go hiking/walking at least three times a week and walk around the neighborhood everyday. I just need to do it bottom line and I will feel like myself again. Right now I don't because my personality doesn't fit with this body.

I really don't have anything to do today.Bored...very bored.