Mushed up feelings

I had crazy sex dreams last night. I never experienced this until I had my daughter. It's like womanhood came rushing in faster than I knew what to do with it. needless to say I woke up all hot. Of course my husband is dressed and ready to go to work and handing me the baby to feed. I don't even think that he thinks of me that way anymore, which is my own fault. I gained so much weight that I shut him off. He's not allowed to think of me that way because I can't think of me that way. I have lost weight since her birth(40lbs) but I still weigh 235. My goal is 180 to start with. I got up and went to the gym this morning for the first time since my breast biopsy. I only did 30 minutes because the baby hadn't been there for awhile. I burned about 250 cals. and what did I eat today? I ate a bagel with butter and jam..not a good way to start the day...then for lunch I had a ham and cheese sadwich with spinach dip and chips. Jesus christ. why do I even try? Honestly I know I could lose mroe weight if M would support me. It's almost like he tempts me to fail so that he will feel better about himself. I can't blame him for my failure I know, so I just need to buck up and start fucking doing it. so, that's my goal anyway.

My friend "photographer" is coming over tomorrow to take pictures of me. He really wants me to do some nudes. If I wasn't married I would probably do it...maybe. I really can't understand why he wants to photograph me. Although the idea gives me butterflies in my stomach that havn't appeared for a long time. I think I am afraid of letting go. Really afraid. Every time I do it seems that I have done something inapropriate. I fantasize about it hopelessly. He took some of me kind of topless nursing my daughter. His wife "Alpha mom" was there during the shoot. Talk about uncomfortable. I was so stiff that it was amazing we got any good pictures at all. I am friends with Alpha Mom but it is an interesting relationship. I can't ever seem to get past feeling inferior to her. but that's a long story. I don't think that Hubby would really mind so much, but I'm not sure what he would say about it. He does accuse me of cheating a lot. I am afraid to even mention the subject to him. I would never have an afair. Photographer is a good friend, and while he does do a lot for my ego, it would NEVER be sexual. I wouldn't do that to Hubby...plus I'm really fucking scared of Alpha Mom. I'm like a puppy going after her scraps waiting on some little bit of friendship she will throw my way. but once again, that's a different story. I guess I would like to do some topless shots...I'm still too chicken to go all nude. I don't think I have the courage to ask Hubby and I would never do it without him knowing. These are the times I really want some freedom. I fantasize about that place of freedom. I am standing in a field of wheat in a burka(strange I know) made of black sheer and the wind is blowing hard. The wheat bends and ripples in the wind and there is a lone tree in the distance. We will see what happens