It has been an interesting week. Photographer and Alphamom went on a trip to the shuttle launch in Florida. Yeah I'm so flipping jealous of them being at the beach. But I'm glad that they got to spend some time together without all of the influences of daily life. Sometimes marriages need that disconnect from the real world.



This week has been one of pondering. I guess the time alone allowed me to work some things out. Things that became raw wounds when revisited. I fell pretty low for awhile but seem to have come out better than before. I bought a cheezy dirty novel at the grocery store this week. It was the cliche plot about a man rescuing a tainted woman and avenging her and restoring her honor while madly and passionately helping her discover her sexual being. Yeah save it..this is going somewhere.... As I am reading I flashed back to sitting in the car with my aunt. the product of a military husband and too many nights alone. She broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably that she would never again make love passionately before her death. It made me realize what a mad woman I am. I have it. I found myself connecting to the "whore" in the book. Someone who made humiliating mistakes and was dilerabately hateful. And against all odds he still loves her...he still loves me. I'm not saying that it doesn't efect our relationship because it does.. But unbelievably he still loves me. I could not come to terms with what I had done so I shut him off. I felt like the combination of those things plus gaining weight led me to the conclusion that no one would love me or find me attractive until I "fixed" myself.

I feel so liberated. Unleashing a pent-up dam can be powerful and frightening. Everytime I think of him my head swims. All I can think of is making love to him. I kept him up until 1:30 in the morning last night and oddly enough still felt insatiable. It is almost like years of holding back is rushing out of me. I think he finds me tiring. I don't blame him. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that he feels that way about me. He has been with an ice queen all this time anyway. I'm falling back in love with my husband.....how painful and incredible it feels.