pain

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know that it would come out hte way I meant it. This hurt inside me is so real and vivid and blue like an ocean after dark. Serious and commanding and frightening, but when I try to put it in words it sound menial and trivial. I feel perhaps I could rip my heart out and stamp it on the page and it would tell the story perfectly in purple blood. I want answers..but i'm afraid I cannot grasp the question. I can't talk to Michael about it. He wouldn't understand regauardless of his good intentions. I know it is my own personal demon. and mine alone to deal with. Maybe this dumness is insisting that I work it out for myself. I carry it around like a slow dull ache unable to talk about it. Even if I could, there is no one there. I'm dropping like a stone into it. I am going to attempt to talk to a spiriual healer tomorrow and se if I can sort it all out, but I don't know if I will be able with Rowan. I know I am desperate and I feel so alone in it all