pain

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know that it would come out hte way I meant it. This hurt inside me is so real and vivid and blue like an ocean after dark. Serious and commanding and frightening, but when I try to put it in words it sound menial and trivial. I feel perhaps I could rip my heart out and stamp it on the page and it would tell the story perfectly in purple blood. I want answers..but i'm afraid I cannot grasp the question. I can't talk to Michael about it. He wouldn't understand regauardless of his good intentions. I know it is my own personal demon. and mine alone to deal with. Maybe this dumness is insisting that I work it out for myself. I carry it around like a slow dull ache unable to talk about it. Even if I could, there is no one there. I'm dropping like a stone into it. I am going to attempt to talk to a spiriual healer tomorrow and se if I can sort it all out, but I don't know if I will be able with Rowan. I know I am desperate and I feel so alone in it all

I have no idea why I am so ILL right now. Everyone is irritating me and I am so close to telling everyone to go fuck themselves and lose my number. I really only get to this point every couple of years. I don't know what's up. Another strange element is that I keep invisioning shafts of wheat. I don't know what that signifies, but everytime I meditate I see a wheat field and every time I daydream or zone out I picture shafts of wheat bending in the wind. I will look it up later.

I started going through closets today in an attempt to decide what I would want to take with me and what needs to be given away. I know it is jumping the gun a little bit, but I feel like I can't look back. Like if I forget there is a possibility it won't work I can will it into happening. I can't even think about that possibility. I just need to move one and go somewhere else. There are so many wmotional ties that I am ready to get rid of. Plus I think it would be so good for Hubby and I to leave our past behind in Georgia.

You make this easy

whatever delusions i had are gone. Thanks for making this easy for me. I thought it would be hard to leave everything I know. But really..not so much. What do I have in truth? a few friends that I see maybe once every six months. Then they have the gall to say "I wish you didn't have to go" really Alphamom was the only one who was honest and basically said yeah you should. I can say a lot, but at least I respect the hell out of her. These few friends I do see once or twice a year are not worth staying here where I am miserable. So Arizona here we come. It makes me feel so lightheaded and hopeful to think about it. It will be a shitload of work, but the prospect of starting a new life with the man I love sounds sweet to me. I hope that I am not getting ahead of myself since we don't have the official offer yet. We will see what happens but I want this.

It has been an interesting week. Photographer and Alphamom went on a trip to the shuttle launch in Florida. Yeah I'm so flipping jealous of them being at the beach. But I'm glad that they got to spend some time together without all of the influences of daily life. Sometimes marriages need that disconnect from the real world.



This week has been one of pondering. I guess the time alone allowed me to work some things out. Things that became raw wounds when revisited. I fell pretty low for awhile but seem to have come out better than before. I bought a cheezy dirty novel at the grocery store this week. It was the cliche plot about a man rescuing a tainted woman and avenging her and restoring her honor while madly and passionately helping her discover her sexual being. Yeah save it..this is going somewhere.... As I am reading I flashed back to sitting in the car with my aunt. the product of a military husband and too many nights alone. She broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably that she would never again make love passionately before her death. It made me realize what a mad woman I am. I have it. I found myself connecting to the "whore" in the book. Someone who made humiliating mistakes and was dilerabately hateful. And against all odds he still loves her...he still loves me. I'm not saying that it doesn't efect our relationship because it does.. But unbelievably he still loves me. I could not come to terms with what I had done so I shut him off. I felt like the combination of those things plus gaining weight led me to the conclusion that no one would love me or find me attractive until I "fixed" myself.

I feel so liberated. Unleashing a pent-up dam can be powerful and frightening. Everytime I think of him my head swims. All I can think of is making love to him. I kept him up until 1:30 in the morning last night and oddly enough still felt insatiable. It is almost like years of holding back is rushing out of me. I think he finds me tiring. I don't blame him. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that he feels that way about me. He has been with an ice queen all this time anyway. I'm falling back in love with my husband.....how painful and incredible it feels.

My period started this morning. Heavy and hard. The second it started I almost passed out. It hasn't hurt me this bad in a long time. My back hurts and I am so weak I can barely move. I don't know what to say. I think that I wanted a baby so that I would have purpose and hope. Not the reason to have a baby. So everything is for the best. I just feel dead. I feel so lonely, but when people speak to me I have nothing to say. I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster and I can't keep up. Where is my place... where do I fit into it all. I don't even know who i am anymore. I would normally autocorrect and reason with how I feel with all kinds of crap about new motherhood yada yada yada. But I'm not going to. I'm jealous of other people's lives and I don't know how to fix it. Nothing makes me feel better right now. Nothing brings comfort. I want to cry but I can't. I'm just here watching the world go by. I'm crying out for someone to reach me and no one can. what am I going to do....what the hell am I going to do.

It's not ok

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have been struggling with a few things. As you all know my relationship with Alpha Mom has been strained to say the least. In my last post I decided it was ok that she treated me like that because friendship is not begging for someone's time. That's true, but you know what? It's not ok. It's not ok that she constantly makes me feel second rate. I know we all have our DEAR friends and our so so friends. I am obviously one of her so so friends. That's fine, I have them too. So why do I feel so betrayed? because I have shared my most vulnerable moments with her. My entire life I have never let people get close to me. But I let her get close and shared things with her that I have never discussed with anyone. She helped me birth my only child, one of the most vulnerable moments of my life and she won't even answer the phone when I call. It's not ok and I am incredibly hurt by it. I'm not being a bitchy woman in a cat fight, I am being a friend that is hurt. I have decided to talk to her about it and then resign myself not to count on her. something I have been putting off hoping things will change. But they won't, so I am giving up on ever meaning anything to her. I'm sorry Alpha Mom, I know you don't mean to but I am done.

I spent the holiday weekend with "copper" a local sheriff and his girlfriend "Georgia". we really hit it off and I am excited to have a new friend that is on the same level as I am. She is 28 and has two kids. So we have a lot in common and enjoy eachother's company. I think god knows when we feel alone and abandoned and helps us get through it. I am grateful that it all worked out and it helped me get to face my feelings about the Alpha Mom situation.

Bubble is getting molars and I have had to be very gentle with her. I have decided not to wean her at all. We have really hard days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore, but we get through it. I still enjoy being able to comfort her, so I will let her do it her way. she just isn't ready.

In other news, I don't think I am pregnant. I took one test and it was negative, but it was WAY too early because I am too impatient. but I am supposed to start this next week, so we will see what happens. Sometimes I think yes, and sometimes I think know. But I am already feeling PMS-ish so I think most likely no. It is a little bit of a relief to be honest. I don't know if I am ready to do this all over again since I am just starting to get my life back. But either way you know is meant to be. There is a reason for everything. So now we wait.

well I've been thinking this morning. I'm too hard on Alpha Mom. Friendship is about time freely given to those you enjoy being around. She doesn't owe me a thing. Tantrum over.

I'm tired. There is so much going on right now I just can't think about anything else. Hubby still hasn't gotten a job and if you are wondering how long you can pay bills without a job, the answer is two months. Bye-bye 401k. Who needs retirement right? I just want him to get a fucking job that he can keep and we cna actually get ahead for once. It isn't his fault. I hate the IT industry. But we are just trying to live normally because if we arn't going to make it, then $20 at a restaurant isn't going to change a thing. Not to mention that it is impossable to keep a house clean with him at home. Although he did clean the whole kitchen this morning. Thanks baby. Too bad the baby mucks it up in about two seconds. Se la vie.

I don't want to do anything today. curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself...